angeladivine's Xanga

I feel ALONE and HELPLESS...

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 17:46:26 GMT

Name: Angela
Date: 9/8/2009
Colorgenics Number: 70612543

Everyone feels despondent at times and you are no exception. You are feeling so depressed because it seems that everything that could go wrong has gone wrong and you don't quite know which way to turn. So like the proverbial ostrich you are trying to bury your head in the sand. But that won't work - you have to face reality.

You are not be feeling so good at this time. Everything seems to be getting on top of you. What you need is a rest from all of the the present trials and tribulations in peaceful surroundings and with someone - male or female, it doesn't really matter - who can really understand you and appreciates your needs.

You feel that you should be appreciated far more than you are but no-one seems to care! You feel that you are receiving less than your share and the main problem is that there is no-one to whom you can turn to for sympathy and understanding. The inner stress that you are experiencing makes you quick to take offence but you realise that at this particular moment in time there is little that you can do to relieve the situation.

Having experienced considerable disappointment of late and not knowing quite what to do about it this has led you to suffer a great deal of agitation and anxiety. You are trying very hard to make favourable impressions all round. You feel that you have a right to do anything that you wish without being condemned for your beliefs. Everything seems to be going against you and you feel helpless to change the situation. The possibility of failure is most upsetting and this situation is leading to untold stress. You honestly believe that the situation is not of your making - it is not your fault - you have been misled and abused by those that you trusted, but you are trying to look at the situation quite dispassionately. Would you perhaps not agree that this situation could be regarded as unrealistic self justification?

You are completely worn out - physically and mentally - and it has got to the stage where 'you don't want to participate anymore'. You are in fact experiencing what is known as 'burnout' and your reaction is such that you feel that everyone is against you yet you still seem to refuse to listen to reason. You are hostile, bitter and indignant. You insist that you want and are entitled to your own way - well maybe you are, but your attitude is not conducive to making friends. Take it easy. Let go and get back into the World.

Honestly, this is all on point..I really feel I can't go on, and I have noone to turn to. I feel as if I need someone physically, and everything is literally crashing down on me. My relationship with my BOYFRIEND of 5years already, feels as if it's falling apart while he's on deployment and I no longer know what to do, so many things with this is that, it is ALL EASIER SAID, THAN DONE. I ask myself why I can't leave him well, because I'm under his care..he pays for everything, and I feel like I can't take care of myself independently, I can't just MOVE OUT where would I live? a lot of apartment complexes need credit reports etc..and GOOD ones at that, and I have NO JOB..I can get a job, but what about my credit? my form of transporation, everything just leads one thing to another. I feel HELPESS. I want to escape EVERYTHING. I HATE the reality of my life. I want to never think about my life and what I'm going through. People say what I'm going through will make me a stronger individual, but I feel I'm not gaining any strength at all, just getting weaker. I feel physically and mentally WEAK. I feel like giving up on so many levels on SO many things. I feel my heart breaking because of my relationship right now, and then school. I'm emotionally exhausted. I feel like I'm dying inside by the minute, like someone is killing me fast and I can't take a deep breath. I feel something is wrong with me mentally, like i'm going crazy. I hate everything right now. I espicially hate my boyfriend. He's on deployment once again, and why is that I feel the one who's the problem? like i'm the one who's doing something WRONG. I feel unloved by him, I feel alone, and he doesn't bother to call me or email me, just texts me. That's not enough for me. Everybody is telling me to forgive him because he's busy with work. I SAY BULLSHIT, he's in fucking singapore right now in a fucking NICE RESORT having the TIME OF HIS LIFE, and he doesn't bother to email me? call me? only on our anniversary? are you serious? he can't call me to ask how im doing? i'm sick of it. All i want from him is to care, it's not fair that i'm always there for him, now i don't give a rat's ass anymore. I've given up..I already told myself, that whatever i'm doing with him, i'll just do it for my future and when i'm done with school i'll just leave him and he can have everything he ever bought me. I don't care anymore, I don't want to care anymore. I have never felt so alone in my life and under pressure. I hate my school because I feel like I'm not trying hard enough to get through this RT program. I feel like such a failure, and I just want to stay home with my mom and my sister and do NOTHING...ugh. I just want rest...freedom, stress free..idk...i don't know what's happening with me. I want someone to rescue me...

thoughts thoughts thoughts

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 11:24:24 GMT

I'm tired of feeling like this, feeling unwanted, feeling rejected, feeling UNLOVED. Yoshi has deployed once again for another 6months! So we started facebook, and on deployment I can see that his COWORKERS who are ALSO his buddies go on all the time and say hello to their wives and their gfs bla bla etc. As for him, how come he doesn't do that? how come he doesn't bother talking to me? how come he can't say HI once in a while? I already feel that our love has been falling apart for years, and I'm just too scared to admit it. Seriously, only when he's here is when he's so lovey dovey and everything.

The saddest part I realized is that I emailed/facebooked him and told him about the situation with our dog mimi, that there's this guy that keeps bothering and doorbell and its probably because mimi barks too much, and we're not suppose to have a dog...anyway I told him about it and to call ME ASAP..and you know what? he DID!!!!! WTF is that? he can call about something happening to the dog but he can't call me to say hello? like his co-workers? am I being selfish? is it really too hard to ask that he calls me or just a small email! the saddest part is the morning before he left, we both wrote each other a love letter...and told each other not to read it until he leaves and he gets on his ship..and being the girl I am, you know all excited like a little school girl who got a love letter from her crush...I opened it and read right after he left...I'm not going to Lie, I was so happy and had all these tears of joy bla bla bla...but what about him? has he read it? I found out he didn't bother to open it...how do I know? I asked him. He said "no, i'm busy with work, sorry.." he basically called me just to check on our DOG...OUR DOG!!!!!!!!! I really don't want to deal with this shit anymore, I don't want to be with him anymore. In my heart I love him with all of me...and that I can't picture myself loving anyone else..but how come he treats me this way? It hurts too much, I hate love. I hate being in love, I hate him, I hate everything right now..I don't want to live...all of this is making me go insane!!!!! I don't want to have any relationship anymore because all the drama I go through, sometimes I believe it's just not worth it anymore. He's changed...a lot, and he always asks me how, and if I tell him he's just gonna get mad. He's changed so much it hurts to know that he has become into someone I no longer know as much anymore.

At the point in my life, I really feel that we are falling out of love and I don't want to continue it. Ever since he joined the Navy....it's all different. There's just so much, and reminiscing about it..makes me cry so much, and I have noone. I have noone to talk to anymore because everyone is busy with their own lives, I mean who wants to hear my stupid love drama anyway right? noone. I don't even want to hear it! I want to know how other women do it? How do they go through this, year after year...You know, I believe that I have stopped being an understanding girlfriend..because that's all I ever done...be UNDERSTANDING and TRUSTING and PATIENT. I'm sick of it!!!! what about him? what do I get? huh? I don't know how to keep myself busy...because during school, i'm such a drama queen and cry at school, and keep to myself. I don't want anyone helping me..I don't know..I push people away because sometimes I think some people are just nosy, and not really care for ME personally. I'm so heartbroken, and crying my eyes out..I'm so tired of feeling this way...I pray to God every night for him to guide me and help me with this pain..to help me be a better girlfriend. People say that I should talk to him about it...but what do I say? huh? he doesn't even bother talking to me!!! What's wrong with me? what did I do to deserve that? huh? what?

I still can't believe what I found out about him, that he wrote a LOVE LETTER to a black girl...a girl he WORKS WITH and is ON DEPLOYMENT with right now. God, I feel my heart breaking every time I think about it, It literally rips my hearts apart and feels like its getting chewed and spit back out. He wrote it last year, when he was on deployment...I don't want my life..I just want to die now thinking about all of it. I want to be with my dad, and never come back...it's not like I'm some big importance, when all I really am is just an annoyance. I sit down and look back at the pictures we've taken over the years, and I just think to myself..what happened to us...why did we end up this way? I'm just so exhausted already..I just want to be alone, and disappear from everyone in the world. I want to be invisible...and maybe thats what I will do..keep a low profile, and don't talk to anyone for a long time...i'm tired of everything in my life...i have no motivation or any high spirits to keep my life going...

this is what i feel like..

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 08:35:27 GMT

Name: Angela Irene
Date: 7/27/2009
Colorgenics Number: 46135207

It would appear that at this particular time of your life you are going through a tough time. You are feeling (or have recently felt) miserable and depressed and perhaps you are still feeling that way. Maybe all the trials and tribulations just aren't worth it. Your present anxieties could have been associated with either your 'private' or 'business' life - whatever ... what you really need at this time is to get away from it all, maybe a vacation - alone, or better still, perhaps with someone that you know really cares for you, someone who appreciates you - not for what you have but for who you are. A short vacation may be all you need to afford you the time to recover and to get back to your normal vital self.

Always anxious to accept the role of the leader, as indeed you often work well with people - but try to stay out of the limelight. You'd like a life of ease with no one to rock the boat and someone who understands you is so important in your life.

You feel that you deserve far more than is being attributed to you, but there is no-one to whom you can turn to for sympathy and understanding. Your pent-up emotions and inherent egocentricity make you quick to take offence, but as matters stand you realise that you will have to make the best of things as they are.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You are anxious about all the limitations to which you are subjected to at this time. You feel that you are not valued for what or who you are. You need OUT. So why procrastinate any longer - MOVE!

my relationship

Mon, 25 May 2009 08:48:50 GMT

I'm TIRED of it, I'm tired of all the games, lies, pretending. I have to say of course noone is perfect, but I believe it is UNFAIR to be lied to and playing stupid silly games when I'm being HONEST and the other is doing the total opposite. When will shit like this ever end?! huh?! when?! when will he stop breaking my heart? when will he stop making me cry myself to sleep, when will he stop lying to me? when will he stop playing GAMES!? huh?! when?! what do I have to do? LEAVE YOU?! I probably will. I will be with someone who deserves me. Like my friend's say there is always someone better. I'm tired already, I may be still young but not too young to NOT know what I'm doing with my life. Sometimes I really want to leave, and when I tried.....it just leads to a huge arguement. I have to suck it up for now, I have to succeed in my school and when I graduate and have a stable job..I'm OUT! I'm already falling out of love, because of this pain and lies. I don't deserve to be treated that way when all I did was be good to him. I can't do this anymore....I'm tired, I'm hurt...I can't believe I have wasted so many years to feel like THIS! ...

..Just the hardest part is letting go...

Hmmm...

Fri, 08 May 2009 12:49:21 GMT

Sometimes, when situations happen for a reason even if it is bad there is always some good that comes out of it. For example, me failing a class has concluded to no school for a month which then concludes me having ALL the sleep in the WORLD! ahhh the JOY!

Just thought I'd share my simple happiness of thought. hehe.

n'joy thee day. PEACE!

failure

Sat, 25 Apr 2009 20:33:33 GMT

Six months into my respiratory program and I failed my final for medical gases...and what did it lead me to? taking it over during NIGHTS...NIGHTS!!!!! I guess I really can't blame anyone but myself for simply not studying hard ENOUGH to make it through that darn class...when I was speaking to one of the clinical instructors, he looked at me and simply asked..."how could you fail medical GASES???" and I literally almost went blank. I thought about it and I know...I KNOW I wasn't the only one who really didn't understand the instructor...but it was also MY fault to not get a tutor right away.. *sigh...now I'm a month behind and I can no longer go to school during the DAY...ugh...I guess it's better that I go to school during the night...I got a heads up that its easier and that the better intructors teach at night...well I'll just have to be the judge of all that...also, at least i'm not the only one who failed the one class....*ugh...how sad.....

I feel such a TOTAL FAILURE!

failure is a key to success..my ASS! [well maybe]

just for today.

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 12:42:06 GMT

I am Happy.

for once...in a long time.

Sacrifice, suffering, heartache.

So much to go through to get one feeling that makes you forget everything.

Amen.

random thoughts

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 07:28:15 GMT

I don't want to cry anymore, and I don't want to think about that 3 page letter...

I want to stop hurting.

What does it really take to have a good, and happy relationship? I want honest answers from couples who have been together LONGER than at least 3 years. As I watched the news, there was a couple celebrating their 75years of marriage, and being a girl I was just in awe in the situation and wondering why is it that relatonships these days do not last anymore than what they used to be. This old couple dated when they were teenagers obviously and lived through the depresssion and now living in the present depression our economy is facing.

How do they do it? their answer: communication. Is it really enough to talk to your SO that after that specific comunication everything will get better? and all is forgiven but never forgotten? How do you move on when all you can think about is what has happened in the relationship such as cheating, or lies, and mistrust and lonliness.

As I was reading some article on my yahoo homepage, I read about the 9 reasons why your SO cheats. It made a lot of sense and basing it on my relationship it was all out of lonliness, one knowing because my SO is in the military....but, another question...how do other couples that serve in the military deal with such situations? how do you cope with everything besides trying to keep yourself busy and trying not to think "what they could be doing"...

I don't want to have these thoughts anymore, but as I read in the article that if we have mistrust out of jealousy or out of low self esteem that it's best to just call it quits...but it's not so easy, everyone has different problems such as mine...but again, others have it worse.

Ok, i'm done...time to self loath in the music of Boyz II Men, what happened to music like that? some music these days are just so wierd and doesn't even make sense. lol

Wishes

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 15:23:20 GMT

Happy Birthday to a girl that deserves everything, a girl that should smile today, a girl that needs happiness and success in her life, a girl that needs to keep her head up high even when the things in her life right now are tough, a girl that's in a hurtful relationship but should remember her family, a girl that is thankful for always being alive.

Happy birthday.....to Me.

help

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 17:47:21 GMT

How do I get out of an abusive, protective relationship.....how.