Wednesday, 05 August 2009

• thoughts thoughts thoughts

  I'm tired of feeling like this, feeling unwanted, feeling rejected, feeling UNLOVED. Yoshi has deployed once again for another 6months! So we started facebook, and on deployment I can see that his COWORKERS who are ALSO his buddies go on all the time and say hello to their wives and their gfs bla bla etc. As for him, how come he doesn't do that? how come he doesn't bother talking to me? how come he can't say HI once in a while? I already feel that our love has been falling apart for years, and I'm just too scared to admit it. Seriously, only when he's here is when he's so lovey dovey and everything.

   The saddest part I realized is that I emailed/facebooked him and told him about the situation with our dog mimi, that there's this guy that keeps bothering and doorbell and its probably because mimi barks too much, and we're not suppose to have a dog...anyway I told him about it and to call ME ASAP..and you know what? he DID!!!!! WTF is that? he can call about something happening to the dog but he can't call me to say hello? like his co-workers? am I being selfish? is it really too hard to ask that he calls me or just a small email! the saddest part is the morning before he left, we both wrote each other a love letter...and told each other not to read it until he leaves and he gets on his ship..and being the girl I am, you know all excited like a little school girl who got a love letter from her crush...I opened it and read right after he left...I'm not going to Lie, I was so happy and had all these tears of joy bla bla bla...but what about him? has he read it? I found out he didn't bother to open it...how do I know? I asked him. He said "no, i'm busy with work, sorry.." he basically called me just to check on our DOG...OUR DOG!!!!!!!!! I really don't want to deal with this shit anymore, I don't want to be with him anymore. In my heart I love him with all of me...and that I can't picture myself loving anyone else..but how come he treats me this way? It hurts too much, I hate love. I hate being in love, I hate him, I hate everything right now..I don't want to live...all of this is making me go insane!!!!! I don't want to have any relationship anymore because all the drama I go through, sometimes I believe it's just not worth it anymore. He's changed...a lot, and he always asks me how, and if I tell him he's just gonna get mad. He's changed so much it hurts to know that he has become into someone I no longer know as much anymore.

  At the point in my life, I really feel that we are falling out of love and I don't want to continue it. Ever since he joined the Navy....it's all different. There's just so much, and reminiscing about it..makes me cry so much, and I have noone. I have noone to talk to anymore because everyone is busy with their own lives, I mean who wants to hear my stupid love drama anyway right? noone. I don't even want to hear it! I want to know how other women do it? How do they go through this, year after year...You know, I believe that I have stopped being an understanding girlfriend..because that's all I ever done...be UNDERSTANDING and TRUSTING and PATIENT. I'm sick of it!!!! what about him? what do I get? huh? I don't know how to keep myself busy...because during school, i'm such a drama queen and cry at school, and keep to myself. I don't want anyone helping me..I don't know..I push people away because sometimes I think some people are just nosy, and not really care for ME personally. I'm so heartbroken, and crying my eyes out..I'm so tired of feeling this way...I pray to God every night for him to guide me and help me with this pain..to help me be a better girlfriend. People say that I should talk to him about it...but what do I say? huh? he doesn't even bother talking to me!!! What's wrong with me? what did I do to deserve that? huh? what?

  I still can't believe what I found out about him, that he wrote a LOVE LETTER to a black girl...a girl he WORKS WITH and is ON DEPLOYMENT with right now. God, I feel my heart breaking every time I think about it, It literally rips my hearts apart and feels like its getting chewed and spit back out. He wrote it last year, when he was on deployment...I don't want my life..I just want to die now thinking about all of it. I want to be with my dad, and never come back...it's not like I'm some big importance, when all I really am is just an annoyance. I sit down and look back at the pictures we've taken over the years, and I just think to myself..what happened to us...why did we end up this way? I'm just so exhausted already..I just want to be alone, and disappear from everyone in the world. I want to be invisible...and maybe thats what I will do..keep a low profile, and don't talk to anyone for a long time...i'm tired of everything in my life...i have no motivation or any high spirits to keep my life going...

  • 5:24 AM
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